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Most conversations don't stall because you ran out of questions. They stall because neither person left the other a handle. The fix is small and it lives in your answers: add one extra detail, follow the other person's detail with a real question, and when the talk runs its course, land it warmly instead of letting it sputter. We call it handle, then land. That's our framing, and we'll mark which parts are research and which are ours as we go.
Half the time, both of you are ready to stop
Before the tactics, one finding changes how the problem feels. In a 2021 study in PNAS led by Harvard's Adam Mastroianni, researchers looked at 932 conversations, some between strangers in a lab and some recalled by people talking with a spouse, family member, or friend. Only about 2 percent ended when both people wanted them to. In about 46 percent, both people wanted to stop earlier than they did, and in about 10 percent both wanted to go on longer.
People also couldn't tell what their partner wanted. The researchers' explanation is that we hide our intentions to seem polite. So "keeping it going" isn't always the goal. Sometimes the awkward lull you're fighting is two people quietly done. The skill is telling a stall that deserves rescuing from an ending that deserves a good landing, and since you can't read minds, handle and land covers both.
You're probably liked more than it feels
Here's the second finding. Erica Boothby and colleagues, in a 2018 paper in Psychological Science, had strangers talk for 5 to 45 minutes and then rate how much they liked their partner and how much they thought their partner liked them. People were fairly good at telling whether they were liked, but they systematically underestimated it. The authors called this the liking gap. Among first-year college suitemates, the gap lasted through the first two-thirds of the school year.
The people who had more negative thoughts about how the conversation went showed a bigger gap. That fits the experience of walking away sure it went badly, when the other person walked away thinking it was fine. The study was about interest in getting to know someone, not romantic attraction, so don't read it as a verdict on dates. For making friends, though, it's reassuring. The stall you're replaying in your head probably landed softer than you think.
The stall usually starts in your answer
Here's the part most advice skips. We tend to treat conversation as a question problem, so we stockpile questions. But an exchange stalls most often on a closed answer.
- Closed: "How was your weekend?" "Good, you?" The other person now has to invent a topic from nothing.
- With a handle: "Good. I finally tried the climbing gym and my forearms are done. You?" The other person can ask about the gym, laugh about the forearms, or say they've always wanted to try it. There are three ways in.
A handle is one extra detail, a specific noun or small story, that gives the other person something to pick up. It doesn't have to be impressive. It has to be concrete. If this sounds like the idea behind psychologist Ellen Hendriksen's "hooks," that's because it's a close cousin: she suggests listening for hooks the other person drops and offering hooks of your own. Our version puts the weight on the answer you give, because that's the part you control in the first ten seconds.
Follow the handle, not your list
Once they've given you something, the research is clear about what to do with it. Karen Huang and colleagues, in a 2017 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found across live conversations that people who asked more questions were better liked, and that follow-up questions mattered most. Asking more made people seem more responsive, meaning they came across as listening and caring. In a speed-dating dataset, daters who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to get a second date. Participants also didn't expect questions to help, which is why so many of us under-ask.
The key word is follow-up. A follow-up picks up what they just said: "You tried climbing? What made you go?" A fresh question from your list, "So what do you do for work?", breaks the thread and starts the interview over. One follow-up, then a handle of your own, and you've got a rally. The caveat is that most of these studies measured liking, not whether a conversation lasted longer, so we're inferring the link to staying power.
Then land it
Because ending is as common as stalling, the second half of the method is the landing. A good landing does two things: it ends the conversation on your terms, kindly, and it leaves a thread so the next one starts warm. A few that work:
- "I'm going to go find some food, but I want to hear how the trip turns out."
- "I've got to run. Send me the name of that gym?"
- "This was fun. Are you at these most weeks? Let's pick it up next time."
Notice each one names something from the conversation, a handle, and points forward. That's what turns a polite exit into the start of a friendship. If you're building a friend group instead of one friend, how to make friends as an adult goes through the longer arc, and the landing is what makes a "see you next week" credible.
The method in one place
- Handle. Put one concrete extra detail in every answer longer than a word.
- Follow. Ask a follow-up about something they just said before you ask anything new.
- Land. When it winds down, say so warmly and point to a next time.
If it's tough for you in groups or you get anxious, social anxiety and making friends and our introvert-extrovert test are good next reads. Short, recurring settings help too, which is part of why a Circle is four to six people: a small group means more chances to follow a handle someone dropped last week.
Honest limits
The Mastroianni findings rely on people's own reports, and the lab conversations were capped at 45 minutes between strangers. The Huang studies show a link between questions and liking, not that more questions keep a conversation going longer, and the follow-up detector's accuracy isn't something we could check. The Boothby research is about wanting to know someone, not romance. "Handle, then land" is our synthesis and hasn't been tested as a method. And we used no NexSpark member data: every figure here comes from published sources.
Common questions
What do you do when someone gives short answers?
Ask a follow-up about the one detail they did give, add a handle of your own, and then let a pause happen. If the answers stay short after a couple of tries, it may simply be a bad moment for them, not a verdict on you. Letting the conversation end warmly is a fine outcome.
How do you keep a conversation going over text?
Use the same two moves. Put one extra detail in your reply so the other person has something to grab, and ask a follow-up about something they said instead of starting a new topic. The research we cite was done on live conversations and speed dating, so applying it to texting is our extension, not a finding.
What if I run out of things to say?
Go back to a handle they dropped earlier. Most conversations leave two or three unfollowed, a place they mentioned, a project, a passing complaint, and any of them is a fair thing to return to. A short pause isn't a failure, and it's usually less noticeable to the other person than it feels to you.
Is it okay to let a conversation end?
Yes. In a 2021 PNAS study, only about 2 percent of conversations ended when both people wanted them to, and in about 46 percent both people wanted to stop earlier than they did. So a lot of the time, an ending is a relief for both of you. Land it warmly and leave a thread for next time.
How do you keep a conversation going with someone you just met?
Start with a handle in your first answer, follow theirs with a real question, and remember you're probably liked more than it feels. In Boothby and colleagues' studies of strangers talking for 5 to 45 minutes, people consistently underestimated how much their partner liked them.
Sources
- Harvard Gazette, Researchers find conversations don't end when people want them to, March 2021, reporting Mastroianni et al., PNAS.
- Karen Huang, Michael Yeomans, Alison Wood Brooks, Julia Minson and Francesca Gino, It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017.
- Art Markman, Other People Probably Like You More Than You Think They Do, Psychology Today, 2019, summarizing Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark (2018), Psychological Science.
- Ellen Hendriksen, How to Keep a Conversation Going, 2020.